I'm Straight

I went to law school about twenty years ago..which objectively seems like a really long time...

One of the guys I went to school with- I'll call him Chuck- because his name is Chuck- is a partner at a comp defense firm and I see him in court every once in a while. I have always liked Chuck, which is sort if big because the people you typically meet in law school are a bunch of blow hard assholes- I mean think about it - they all want to be attorneys.

So about twenty years ago- I'm walking down the hall at school and I see Chuck talking on the pay phone- yes pay phone because this is BEFORE the cell phones - BEFORE getting bar results "on line"- because this was a long ass time ago....

Chuck gets off the phone I notice all the blood has drained out of his face, and it looks like he just took a really good one to the balls.

I ask him what was wrong and he tells me the phone call was with a woman he met on a cruise and she just told him she was pregnant.

And so I'm thinking- fuck...but I say something like-she doesn't have to have it...and he says he thinks he loves this woman and she is really everything he could want- and that this was his destiny...and because Chuck is a real stand up guy he marries her and they have two more children and settle behind the orange curtain in Yorba Linda of all places.

Through the years I would ask him about his family and I got the sense marriage was maybe less than he expected, but he didn't ever really complain.

So- I see him the other day at court and he is just finishing up his very messy and expensive divorce...twenty years later.

Seems his wife had multiple affairs throughout the marriage and was prone to fits of rage.

Based on what Chuck told me to call her unstable would be an insult to unstable people. While Chuck was creating a law firm and supporting the family, his wife was messing around and working a couple of days a week as an aerobics instructor.

"I learned if you meet a girl on a cruise and she gets really drunk with you and jumps in the sack after knowing you a few hours- and then tells you 45 days later she's pregnant you shouldn't marry her. I won't be making that mistake again," he said.

While Chuck was telling me about the divorce trial I felt myself begin to dry heave.

Child support, spousal support, custody arrangements, investigators, psychologist, his lawyer fees, her lawyer fees... it all seemed really terrible.

Luckily for Chuck the guy she had her last affair with - the "soul mate du jour" - is going to marry her July 1, 2011. This means the end of spousal support for Chuck.

"I used to want to kick his ass, but now I want to send him a fruit basket. I just hope he sticks in, I really need to get her off my dance card," he said.

Chuck's story was a body blow to me- I honestly didn't think divorce was that big of a deal until recently...now that I can get divorced (because I'm married) - it seems so amazingly difficult. Throw in twins, step sons, a few worthless pieces of property, leases on cars, and credit cards...its overwhelming.

Earlier this week a couple of friends came over for wine and the conversation turned to infertility. One of the women explained how after two years of infertility treatments and the subsequent birth of her son, she endured four additional years of treatment to try and have another child.

"I finally just couldn't do it anymore," she said.

I can't believe she did it as long as she did. We had two years of the hell of infertility - which for two women is to be somewhat expected as there is a glaring challenge- yet even with this knowledge- it was really very difficult. I could only think how much harder it would be to be a man and woman in that situation- they are supposed to be biologically equipped...right?

This experience gave me a great deal of empathy for people faced with this issue.

Just thinking about those years gave me such of wave of anxiety, I took an Ativan. Perhaps because it was on the heels of my conversation with Chuck- but for the first time in my I began feeling really straight....

Never in my life did I think I would so personally relate to getting divorced and/or infertility...and I came to the realization - being Gay is like being a puppy your whole life.

I know, this" Peter Pan" existence is a life that can lack depth, but really now I'm an middle aged dog....

When your Gay you can't reproduce with your same sex partner without a great deal of effort, and financial resources- so most don't- now you can't get married in this state-- so that eliminates the whole divorce thing. No marriage - no children - your problems when you hit an exit ramp are reduced 98%.

Arguably this is simplistic, yet it is actually true.

I traded in my gay card for a straight card-and honestly I do have those moments I would like to trade it back and be a puppy again...