Kurt Cobain and Paxil

On my ipod I have a "When I'm Melancholy" playlist.

My #1 go to song- All Apologies

"Find my nest of salt, everything is my fault
I'll take all the blame, aqua seafoam shame"

I know its cliche, but when I'm depressed I really like listening to Kurt Cobain.

I like listening to him because a. He was a depressed person and b. It depresses me to think about him, so it really works for me on two levels.

Although I'm not feeling depressed per se I have been sleeping a lot which is typically a sign of depression, and tonight when I found myself listening to the "When I'm Melancholy " play list, I had to consider the possibility.

I prefer using the term melancholy, as it doesn't sound like mental illness.

Gioconda says I am "melancholy" 361 days a year.

"I really think its more, but I'm being generous," she said.

"Is it four full days of not being melancholy or four days in aggregate over the year?," I replied.

"In aggregate," she responded.

Harsh.

It might be true.

For a while I was keeping a journal but I found it unsettling to go back and read in times I felt in retrospect were fine, were in fact filled with moderate to severe levels of anxiety.

"The most terrible aspect of not passing the bar exam would be the public nature of the failure. I woke up at 5:00 am considering if I should begin to study again or not..." I wrote prior to getting results back when life was "easy" in 1994.

And then after passing; "...and now there are expectations of me I am unsure I can fulfill.." .

And this is why I don't keep a journal.

One would think passing the bar was a good thing, apparently I was still able to twist that accomplishment around in order to satisfy some neurosis.

" I feel like my life is on the edge of a cliff and it slips a little more every day," I told my doctor a few weeks back.

"Prozac, Zoloft or Paxil?" she asked.

"Paxil," I replied.

So, I'm hoping in about 8 weeks I'll improve on the 4 days a year.