The Grinch and Stuff

So tonight I watched "The Grinch That Stole Christmas" with Sadie.

When I was a kid I had the book long before I saw the animated version on television. There are about twenty seven things I REALLY love, "The Grinch That Stole Christmas" is definitely on the list. Granted its not something you can watch over and over, but the only thing I want to watch over and over is that commercial with Charlize Theron- the one in which she is walking and taking off her clothes-but who doesn't want to watch that over and over.

I know it is cliche and sentimental, but after finding everything gone on Christmas morning the Whos down in Whosville gather and sing - and it always - ALWAYS makes me cry.

"Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store at all," I said to Gioconda.

"Then where does it come from?," she replied.

We have the same argument every year. I find the consumerism of the season disgusting, but admittedly I really detest spending or giving away money, so there's that.

Gioconda loves to buy gifts.

" I think I'm going to buy a one cup coffee maker for my brother," she told me a few weeks back.

" I bought him a really good coffee maker two years ago," I replied.

"But this is a one cup maker. What if he only wants to make one cup?"

Really?

Is this an issue in people's lives?

This spring we put a wood floor down in the attic of the guest house for storage. We need storage because we have too much stuff...and the worse part about all the stuff is- most of it- like 63% is mine.

The remaining 37% breaks down as follows:

Sadie and Camille: 20% (six double strollers)
Gioconda :13% ( all the purses)
Joe's stuff: 3%

The remaining 1% is stuff Gioconda has kept for the boys from their childhood. Keeping in mind there are FOUR boys.

Thus it would appear as though I am a stingy hoarder, which would be true to an extent. I have tried to eliminate stuff from my life, yet every single time I visit my mother I come home with a trunk full of more stuff- that is stuff my mother buys and then can't find a place for- stuff she may have tried to give to my sister but she refused.

Last week while visiting my mom I noticed the kitchen pantry was filled with dishes.

"What did you do with the food?," I asked.

" I decided not to keep a lot of food around, besides I needed the storage," she replied. It seemed perfectly natural to me until my sister brought it up in conversation.

"Did you know that mom made the food pantry into dish storage?", she asked.

"Well she has a lot of stuff," I replied.

"You don't think its odd she is willing to virtually eliminate food from her life in order to obtain more storage?"

"She still has a refrigerator, she can still have cold drinks. She can still make ice," I said.

My sister has a point, but at least my mom won't hoard food.

My mom told me she is thinking about putting a floor in her garage, just like the one we put in the guest house attic.

"I've been thinking about buying a storage unit to put in the back yard, but it wouldn't be leave room for grass for the dog," she said.

"Whatever, she is really fat and won't notice," I replied.

"That's what I think," she said. We don't really help each other with this particular issue.

But I'm the one who hates the consumerism of the season.

A prayer of thanks

Raul and Joe were best friends for years before Joe and Gioconda met.

Once she married Joe she became close to Raul's wife Janet. Although I don't think there was a final custody order after the divorce in regard "Raul and Janet" my impression was if there was an custody it would be joint.

Raul and Janet were neutral, which given I was the next "spouse" in Gioconda's life I figured, at the very least, if I met them they wouldn't call me a name or try to injure me in some way.

So this summer while we were in Iowa we met Janet and Raul in Iowa City, which is about 2 hours from where they live in Illinois.

This March they adopted a little girl. Sophia is almost exactly a month younger than our daughters.

Of course I loved them both- there were no threats of violence, they are kind and warm people, and it was as if I had known them forever.

Which means now I'm friends with my same sex spouse's deceased ex-husband's best friend.

We were looking at the pictures this weekend of that afternoon in Iowa City, and I couldn't help but wonder what Joe would think about it all.

Joe was born on 12/22/1953, which means he would have been 56 this year. It's close to his birthday and so I think about Joe and it makes me sad sometimes , sometimes I feels nothing- but most of the time I am just pissed...yet lately that has gotten better.

I was so angry for so long, angry about how he changed my life- all our lives - through his act. Angry because I didn't have a chance to vote on any of it -angry about what it did to everyone- that terrible wake, which I thought would drown us all.

But lately I have considered it a bit differently-although one can never be CERTAIN of events along the way, I can say with a high degree of confidence if Joe hadn't died I am not certain we would have done all we did to have babies...I am not certain we would have married- I'm not certain we would still even be together..but because of all we have gone through- that terrible wake- we have babies - we are married - and we are together-

It's cliche - but that what does not kill you- or tear you apart- will make you (collective you as well) stronger...and it has.

So this 12/22 I will say a little prayer of thanks...

Thanks for babies...thanks for a marriage and the family that has brought-

and thanks for Raul and Janet

My 10 year old self

There is a great Disney movie called "The Kid".

Bruce Willis plays this guy who due to some sort of cosmic event ends up meeting himself as a 10 year old.

There is a scene in which the "kid' finds out Bruce Willis doesn't have a dog and isn't married.

"You mean to tell me I'm 40 and I am not married and I don't have a dog?" he says.

Disappointed.

Today I was thinking -what if I could look at my life as a 10 year old.

I'm married- to a woman
I have lots of dogs...
and a big house
and two adorable babies...
And overall on my best day- I really don't work that hard

If given a just a glance at 10, I think I would be really happy- what I want to know is- so what about 36 years makes this not translate.

It like the stakes keep getting higher, and what used to be more than I could have ever hoped has become just life.

Every once in a while something will slap me into gratitude- like when I saw that unfortunate lady who was mauled by the chimp-I have my eye balls and thumbs- and I will - for a while- be grateful - grateful I don't have anyone in my orbit who keeps wild animals who might disfigure me.

Yet, it seems as though when your life has exceeded what you had hoped being thankful your face has not been eaten off seems somewhat ungrateful- which is something I personally want to be very careful about.

But still...there is a that gnawing feeling that I could have been, that I should have been, so much more.

I am relatively certain I could never be an astronaut, or a commodities broker. I would never want to have anything to do with the high fashion industry as I could never take clothes THAT seriously- along this same line- I couldn't be a chef - I could never take food THAT seriously- but I wouldn't rule out rock star - in spite the fact I have no musical ability- two words- Bob Dylan*

I'm 46 and so if I am going to be something amazing, it might be a good idea to get that rolling.

My Grandfather worked as a mechanic every day of his life until the day he retired, and I don't think he ever thought twice about it. It was just what he did- he didn't hate it or love it - he just did it. I don't think he thought about meeting his 10 year old self- or if he "should have been more"

What I don't know is- does that make him "unambitious" or me a malcontent?

There is still time for me to invent something, or discover something - or become a rock star-


*Bob Dylan is a terrible singer and awful musician.

I Hate Lucy

I detest the "I LOVE LUCY" show.

It has been around since I remember and it has caused me anxiety since I can remember.

The show is about lies, manipulation, and deceit. Think about it, Lucy was always trying to get Ricky to do something he didn't want to do through some elaborate scheme which unravels in the end causing a some sort of disaster and after everything is said and done all is forgiven yet still...it really is just a lot of bull shit.

Granted I have never been a fan of zany or slap stick- I hate the Three Stooges, I find Robin Williams (the comic not my brother in law) intolerable. Yet, there really isn't any form of visual entertainment I abhor as much as "I LOVE LUCY". When Gioconda and I went to Spain a few years back we went to a Modern Art Museum and one of the exhibits was this whacked out film in which an old lady fills a room with boxes, one after another and it made me want to tear off my head and throw it against a wall; however, given the choice to experience the whacked out film exhibit or "I LOVE LUCY"- I'm taking the box lady.

There was not one functional relationship in that entire show. The Mertz's relationship with each other, and the Mertz's relationship with the Richardo's , pure dysfunction on every level.

I mean, how did those two hook up anyway? Was it ever explained how this Cuban guy ended up with a crazy ginger. What did Lucy do before she got involved with Ricky, did anyone even to bother to investigate that?

I know, people- especially fags- adore Lucille Ball, which is hard for me to understand as from what I have read she was a bitter and ugly woman.

"You're funny like Lucille Ball," my Grandmother used to tell me.

Wow. Thanks. I guess she was the only funny woman my Grandmother knew of, yet the thought that I was at all like Lucille Ball really grossed me out.

The other day Aidan and Gioconda were watching an episode and actually laughing out loud and I had the urge to knife them both.

I resisted the urge.

Tiger

What is amazing to me about the whole Tiger Woods situation is that a guy with so many golf clubs around would cheat on his wife.

The only way you get away with cheating on your spouse is;

a. Your spouse is cheating as well as doesn't care- which really never works because in my experience - women ALWAYS care - even if they really hate your ass.

b. You don't live with, speak to, or have any other associations with your spouse.

Other than these two scenarios you can't get away with it. The only reason I haven't been caught cheating on my spouse is I haven't cheated, but in past relationships I had a few close calls with Big Bertha myself, which is why I kept my clubs locked in the garage. I also never kept a loaded firearm, and I made it a personal policy to only use plastic utensils in my home for years, avoiding cutlery altogether- you can be shanked with a the sharp end of a spoon.

Although those days are behind me, those distant memories came flooding back when I heard about Tiger running his car into a tree at 3:00 am, because that is the time you are sleeping and the perfect opportunity for your significant other to go through your phone- e-mail- credit card bills...and inevitably if a person is looking there will be something to find. And when it is found- you are going to be woken up.

Maybe she found something and told him to "just be honest, I won't be mad I promise, I just can't take the lying," which is a LIE because she will not only be mad she will chase you out of the house and you will actually make the conscious decision it is better to run your car into a fire hydrant and be taken to the hospital than to go back to you own residence.

I actually understand this thought process.

I know that cheating is wrong, but really- I read about a study done at the University of Michigan in which a survey of straight men was taken and 90% of the STRAIGHT men said they would have anonymous sex. Thus, the only reason there isn't more straight park fucking is that women are not so willing to participate.

My point- sex is different to men than women. This is the richest athlete in the world- thousands of women want to have sex with this dude. Of course he is going to cheat- how can he not cheat?

I know many will disagree- but it is the same reason it is a bad idea to keep a hyenas as a pet, because at some point it is going to sever your aorta with a quick bite to the neck---

Marry a Tiger and at some point you will be certain to get a claw up your ass.