Run of Bad Luck

Today I asked Gioconda what it was about me that she was first attracted.

"I've never been attracted to you," she replied. Which I know was a joke, because there was a period from 2003-2005 that she did find me at the very least interesting.

Admittedly things changed for me in December 2005, this is when my run of bad luck began. I think the last four years, have taken its toll on me.

December 23, 2005: I received notice from the Federal Government was I am being audited.

January 2, 2006 : My little dog is killed by a coyote in the backyard

January 13, 2006: I am informed the house I have been in escrow for 2 years has completely fallen out and I need to find a new place to live

January 15, 2006; Gioconda and I decide to buy a house together...and then we spend the next six months selling two houses and buying and fixing the the house we live in now...which had had no improvements for the last forty years...

And just when things seemed as though they were getting back to "normal", just at the point we didn't have someone working on our house or yard or pool-

August 10, 2006: Joe takes his own life.... (then anything bad that happened prior to this date seemed ridiculous).

And then EVERYTHING implodes- but it was a long term implode- people imploding at different times to different degrees over the next three years...and we are fighting for Joe's share of the house, and his tools and his ashes...and it seems endless.

The culmination of our worse luck...and it seemed to me as though my luck didn't turn until...

February 12, 2009: Camille gets out of the NICU and both baby girls are home with us...Gioconda and the girls are both home and healthy- and that was the most I could have ever hoped.

This weekend I read an article about a lady who lost her five year old daughter to a deadly virus. Her daughter got sick rapidly and before anyone really knew what was happening the little girl was dead. It wasn't anyone's fault- it was just a terrible thing that happened- but I can't help but wonder how anyone ever over comes this kind of loss.

I console myself by thinking we have had "ours"- that run of bad luck between December 2005- February 2009, yet in spite of how awful those years seemed, loosing a child trumps anything I have endured.

Although it is better now, I still live with the regret of the person I became during that time, the resentments I developed, the anger I felt- and ultimately how it changed me- changed who I was to myself- changed who I was to Gioconda.

My daughters have shattered the fossilization of my heart- and fortunately for me they didn't know me during my "run of bad luck"- but the other people I live with did- and we will forever live with the burden of their collective grief and loss.

I suppose after all is said and done actual attraction at this point may be too much to ask for...