For some reason Sadie has been waking up at between 12-1 am. I'm not sure if she has bad dreams, or a stomach ache, or if she just wakes up and freaks out, but for whatever reason she has a complete melt down.
Typically, Sadie is Gioconda's baby, but I have been trying to split these little disruptions with her.
They have started crawling, which I will admit has been difficult. Yesterday I freaked out when I found a tooth pick sliver on the floor.
" This is a sword in a little baby throat," I said to no one in particular. My message, of course, be more careful, but since I couldn't exactly pin it on one person, I just sent it out for general consumption.
Its just that there so many more tooth pick slivers in my life than I could have possibly ever imagined.
Even when the girls aren't with me I find myself searching the ground now every where I go looking for little choking hazards. I suppose it keeps me on my toes, all that practicing.
Inevitably, I'll find something on the ground in the living room, something the girls could have gotten into their mouths and I'll spend the next 3-7 hours thinking about how fortunate I am I found the wrapper from the a "fun size" skittles. The business of life has become very basic.
I had no idea everything in my existence was a potential hazard.
"This is nothing," Gioconda says, "wait until they start walking, its a nightmare."
The most troubling part of her statement is the use of the word "nightmare." Over the course of our seven year relationship I would estimate we have been in 25 nightmare situations, when I asked Gioconda she answered "one" and then amended it " three at the most."
When I gave her my number she demanded an example.
The time we went to see the play "Wicked" and came out to a flat tire. The plasma television we had to return to Best Buy twice! The time they delivered our hot tub and forgot to deliver the cover.
I certainly wasn't going to ask her what "three at the most" things she thought were nightmare situations. Our thresholds for "nightmare" are very - very different.
Typically, "nightmare" to Gioconda is "there is no way I could possibly live through this" for me. I suppose I have been preparing for it, the whole walking thing. I have no idea how to begin to brace myself for any of the myriad of "events" which have yet to occur.
"A nightmare?" I asked her again tonight just to test her commitment to it.
"A nightmare," she said, committed.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
What is in a name
When you have as many kids and animals as we do you start to run out of names.
I will say to our credit everyone does have a name, although admittedly there are a few birds who are a bit ambiguous, every mammal has a name.
The other day I asked Gioconda to name all the cats, she couldn't. She forgot some of the most obvious, Patches who has lived with her over the last 22 (YES 22) years- she forgot Patches- who lives in where I have no idea but gets fed every morning on the roof of the pool room.
Patches is the only animal who has a - what I would call - a non-human name. We don't have Fluffy or Stinky or Sparkie- we have Henri Pierre, Peter Thomas, Pinnter Anthony and Zoe Agentina- all our animals have middle names. That is all our animals EXCEPT for Patches and a couple of finches.
Sometimes I look at my daughters and wonder if I named them the right name. I mean, I would HATE to be a Suzy- or even a Monica-I can't imagine being anything but Jody- for a really long time in my life it was the only thing I was absolutely certain- my name was and more importantly should be Jody. I feel as though their names are right - and although hope they feel the same- my greater hope there will be more - much more-my daughters will be certain.
Gioconda has hard a tough time with her name. People don't say it right, as a kid she could never get one of those little license plates with your name - as amazing as it might sound there was no GIOCONDA between GAIL and GLORIA.
There is a book called "The Yearling" in which the main character - a boy- is named Jody- spelled with a Y. My mother tells me she loved the book- and this was a factor in her naming me Jody-but what is somewhat unclear is why she named her daughter after a male character in a book...
I consider myself fortunate she wasn't as fond of The Archie comics- because I could have been Veronica- or Betty.
I think my daughters know their names when I call them- but really who can tell. I think Henri Pierre knows his name too- but its hard for me to know as he speaks french and my daughters speak spanish...and I just speak english.
I will say to our credit everyone does have a name, although admittedly there are a few birds who are a bit ambiguous, every mammal has a name.
The other day I asked Gioconda to name all the cats, she couldn't. She forgot some of the most obvious, Patches who has lived with her over the last 22 (YES 22) years- she forgot Patches- who lives in where I have no idea but gets fed every morning on the roof of the pool room.
Patches is the only animal who has a - what I would call - a non-human name. We don't have Fluffy or Stinky or Sparkie- we have Henri Pierre, Peter Thomas, Pinnter Anthony and Zoe Agentina- all our animals have middle names. That is all our animals EXCEPT for Patches and a couple of finches.
Sometimes I look at my daughters and wonder if I named them the right name. I mean, I would HATE to be a Suzy- or even a Monica-I can't imagine being anything but Jody- for a really long time in my life it was the only thing I was absolutely certain- my name was and more importantly should be Jody. I feel as though their names are right - and although hope they feel the same- my greater hope there will be more - much more-my daughters will be certain.
Gioconda has hard a tough time with her name. People don't say it right, as a kid she could never get one of those little license plates with your name - as amazing as it might sound there was no GIOCONDA between GAIL and GLORIA.
There is a book called "The Yearling" in which the main character - a boy- is named Jody- spelled with a Y. My mother tells me she loved the book- and this was a factor in her naming me Jody-but what is somewhat unclear is why she named her daughter after a male character in a book...
I consider myself fortunate she wasn't as fond of The Archie comics- because I could have been Veronica- or Betty.
I think my daughters know their names when I call them- but really who can tell. I think Henri Pierre knows his name too- but its hard for me to know as he speaks french and my daughters speak spanish...and I just speak english.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Run of Bad Luck
Today I asked Gioconda what it was about me that she was first attracted.
"I've never been attracted to you," she replied. Which I know was a joke, because there was a period from 2003-2005 that she did find me at the very least interesting.
Admittedly things changed for me in December 2005, this is when my run of bad luck began. I think the last four years, have taken its toll on me.
December 23, 2005: I received notice from the Federal Government was I am being audited.
January 2, 2006 : My little dog is killed by a coyote in the backyard
January 13, 2006: I am informed the house I have been in escrow for 2 years has completely fallen out and I need to find a new place to live
January 15, 2006; Gioconda and I decide to buy a house together...and then we spend the next six months selling two houses and buying and fixing the the house we live in now...which had had no improvements for the last forty years...
And just when things seemed as though they were getting back to "normal", just at the point we didn't have someone working on our house or yard or pool-
August 10, 2006: Joe takes his own life.... (then anything bad that happened prior to this date seemed ridiculous).
And then EVERYTHING implodes- but it was a long term implode- people imploding at different times to different degrees over the next three years...and we are fighting for Joe's share of the house, and his tools and his ashes...and it seems endless.
The culmination of our worse luck...and it seemed to me as though my luck didn't turn until...
February 12, 2009: Camille gets out of the NICU and both baby girls are home with us...Gioconda and the girls are both home and healthy- and that was the most I could have ever hoped.
This weekend I read an article about a lady who lost her five year old daughter to a deadly virus. Her daughter got sick rapidly and before anyone really knew what was happening the little girl was dead. It wasn't anyone's fault- it was just a terrible thing that happened- but I can't help but wonder how anyone ever over comes this kind of loss.
I console myself by thinking we have had "ours"- that run of bad luck between December 2005- February 2009, yet in spite of how awful those years seemed, loosing a child trumps anything I have endured.
Although it is better now, I still live with the regret of the person I became during that time, the resentments I developed, the anger I felt- and ultimately how it changed me- changed who I was to myself- changed who I was to Gioconda.
My daughters have shattered the fossilization of my heart- and fortunately for me they didn't know me during my "run of bad luck"- but the other people I live with did- and we will forever live with the burden of their collective grief and loss.
I suppose after all is said and done actual attraction at this point may be too much to ask for...
"I've never been attracted to you," she replied. Which I know was a joke, because there was a period from 2003-2005 that she did find me at the very least interesting.
Admittedly things changed for me in December 2005, this is when my run of bad luck began. I think the last four years, have taken its toll on me.
December 23, 2005: I received notice from the Federal Government was I am being audited.
January 2, 2006 : My little dog is killed by a coyote in the backyard
January 13, 2006: I am informed the house I have been in escrow for 2 years has completely fallen out and I need to find a new place to live
January 15, 2006; Gioconda and I decide to buy a house together...and then we spend the next six months selling two houses and buying and fixing the the house we live in now...which had had no improvements for the last forty years...
And just when things seemed as though they were getting back to "normal", just at the point we didn't have someone working on our house or yard or pool-
August 10, 2006: Joe takes his own life.... (then anything bad that happened prior to this date seemed ridiculous).
And then EVERYTHING implodes- but it was a long term implode- people imploding at different times to different degrees over the next three years...and we are fighting for Joe's share of the house, and his tools and his ashes...and it seems endless.
The culmination of our worse luck...and it seemed to me as though my luck didn't turn until...
February 12, 2009: Camille gets out of the NICU and both baby girls are home with us...Gioconda and the girls are both home and healthy- and that was the most I could have ever hoped.
This weekend I read an article about a lady who lost her five year old daughter to a deadly virus. Her daughter got sick rapidly and before anyone really knew what was happening the little girl was dead. It wasn't anyone's fault- it was just a terrible thing that happened- but I can't help but wonder how anyone ever over comes this kind of loss.
I console myself by thinking we have had "ours"- that run of bad luck between December 2005- February 2009, yet in spite of how awful those years seemed, loosing a child trumps anything I have endured.
Although it is better now, I still live with the regret of the person I became during that time, the resentments I developed, the anger I felt- and ultimately how it changed me- changed who I was to myself- changed who I was to Gioconda.
My daughters have shattered the fossilization of my heart- and fortunately for me they didn't know me during my "run of bad luck"- but the other people I live with did- and we will forever live with the burden of their collective grief and loss.
I suppose after all is said and done actual attraction at this point may be too much to ask for...
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Twins
Last weekend in Berkeley within six hours I met four people who told me they were a twin and two sets of twins together.
I mentioned it to Julien and Gioconda at dinner.
"I mean, I bet in the last three years of my life I've met that many twins," I said.
" Maybe thats true, but really how many people you casually interact with on a daily basis give you that type of information about themselves? I could have a ton of friends who are twins they just haven't told me because it didn't seem relevant," Julien replied.
Funny how I didn't meet as many twins before I HAD TWINS...duh.
So now I am connected to those who are twins.
But what is strange is how fascinated people are with the twins. Fortunately for me, Gioconda doesn't mind interacting with strangers who all say the same thing.
"Are they twins?" Which objectively is a really stupid thing to ask, but I chalk it up to people just thinking out loud.
And then they say," A boy and a girl?" Gioconda says its because Camille is bigger, but I think she sort of looks like a boy, but she doesn't care because she likes her hair short. I prepare myself for the "who is the mother?" question, which we have gotten a hand full of times.
The whole thing is awkward for me. Gioconda is so much more out there with everything, she enjoys it.
Before the girls were born I asked her what she thought she would say if someone asked who the father was.
"They don't have a father they have two mothers," she replied.
She's right, but still there is a part inside of me that winces a little bit every time someone stops us to ask us..are they twins? and then...a boy and a girl? and then I wait for the next question...
It feels so strange to love my daughters as much as I do, and feel so utterly connected to them, yet still feel somewhat displaced in my relationship to them for no other reason but for the way I think others perceive us.
Today we took the girls to Heritage Day in Placentia. Placentia is the city I grew up located in Northern Orange County.
During the election in November I couldn't stand to visit my parents, who still live in the city, as by the time I reached their house I would have driven by hundreds of YES on 8 signs. Northern Orange County is crazy conservative. When I was in high school and college there were numerous Gay bashings in the area.
Growing up I always looked forward to Heritage Days, I was in the parade countless times. I mean, who doesn't love a carnival, fried food, dangerous rides, those feeder fish in the little jars. Its been something I looked forward to taking the girls, and I looked forward to taking the girls because for some reason after living in with the constant oppression I felt every minute of every hour I lived there for twenty five years it didn't occur to me that perhaps Gioconda and I along with our little girls would not be necessarily welcome.
Within 5 minutes I knew I had made a mistake. Although not openly hostile, people were less than friendly.
So we are sitting eating pulled pork with my sister and my nephew Parker and I am on edge because of this weird overall vibe, and all women have those square on the end acrylic nails, painted with a french manicure, and my sister sees this lady and her kid approaching she says to me," This kid is in Parker's scout group and they are very VERY conservative."
Great. I'm not enough on edge. I size her up and decide she can't kick my ass, so what's the worse that could happen. She could give me one of those little pamphlets about accepting Christ as my Savior, or I guess she could yell at us and run away causing a disruption at Heritage Days, yet after making the determination I could take her in hand to hand combat, I wasn't as concerned.
My sister introduces us to the lady and within a second she asks," So whose babies are these?"
"Ours", Gioconda and I reply at the same time. And then, just in case she didn't hear it I repeated, "Ours."
And then there was a pause and then," Oh."
This pretty much ended the conversation. The lady sat with her boy scout son for a few more minutes. The whole time I'm thinking she is damming us to hell or trying to slip a Bible into the diaper bag.
As she was leaving she said to me, " Your babies are very cute, I'm a twin."
So now I am connected to those who are twins...
I mentioned it to Julien and Gioconda at dinner.
"I mean, I bet in the last three years of my life I've met that many twins," I said.
" Maybe thats true, but really how many people you casually interact with on a daily basis give you that type of information about themselves? I could have a ton of friends who are twins they just haven't told me because it didn't seem relevant," Julien replied.
Funny how I didn't meet as many twins before I HAD TWINS...duh.
So now I am connected to those who are twins.
But what is strange is how fascinated people are with the twins. Fortunately for me, Gioconda doesn't mind interacting with strangers who all say the same thing.
"Are they twins?" Which objectively is a really stupid thing to ask, but I chalk it up to people just thinking out loud.
And then they say," A boy and a girl?" Gioconda says its because Camille is bigger, but I think she sort of looks like a boy, but she doesn't care because she likes her hair short. I prepare myself for the "who is the mother?" question, which we have gotten a hand full of times.
The whole thing is awkward for me. Gioconda is so much more out there with everything, she enjoys it.
Before the girls were born I asked her what she thought she would say if someone asked who the father was.
"They don't have a father they have two mothers," she replied.
She's right, but still there is a part inside of me that winces a little bit every time someone stops us to ask us..are they twins? and then...a boy and a girl? and then I wait for the next question...
It feels so strange to love my daughters as much as I do, and feel so utterly connected to them, yet still feel somewhat displaced in my relationship to them for no other reason but for the way I think others perceive us.
Today we took the girls to Heritage Day in Placentia. Placentia is the city I grew up located in Northern Orange County.
During the election in November I couldn't stand to visit my parents, who still live in the city, as by the time I reached their house I would have driven by hundreds of YES on 8 signs. Northern Orange County is crazy conservative. When I was in high school and college there were numerous Gay bashings in the area.
Growing up I always looked forward to Heritage Days, I was in the parade countless times. I mean, who doesn't love a carnival, fried food, dangerous rides, those feeder fish in the little jars. Its been something I looked forward to taking the girls, and I looked forward to taking the girls because for some reason after living in with the constant oppression I felt every minute of every hour I lived there for twenty five years it didn't occur to me that perhaps Gioconda and I along with our little girls would not be necessarily welcome.
Within 5 minutes I knew I had made a mistake. Although not openly hostile, people were less than friendly.
So we are sitting eating pulled pork with my sister and my nephew Parker and I am on edge because of this weird overall vibe, and all women have those square on the end acrylic nails, painted with a french manicure, and my sister sees this lady and her kid approaching she says to me," This kid is in Parker's scout group and they are very VERY conservative."
Great. I'm not enough on edge. I size her up and decide she can't kick my ass, so what's the worse that could happen. She could give me one of those little pamphlets about accepting Christ as my Savior, or I guess she could yell at us and run away causing a disruption at Heritage Days, yet after making the determination I could take her in hand to hand combat, I wasn't as concerned.
My sister introduces us to the lady and within a second she asks," So whose babies are these?"
"Ours", Gioconda and I reply at the same time. And then, just in case she didn't hear it I repeated, "Ours."
And then there was a pause and then," Oh."
This pretty much ended the conversation. The lady sat with her boy scout son for a few more minutes. The whole time I'm thinking she is damming us to hell or trying to slip a Bible into the diaper bag.
As she was leaving she said to me, " Your babies are very cute, I'm a twin."
So now I am connected to those who are twins...
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The NEXT Level (as opposed to the PRIOR level)
Here is the question I have. When a person says " I want to take this to the next level" what exactly does that mean?
First of all what level do we begin with. I mean, one person's next level may be a 4, and another persons next level may be a 15. Where do we start? Where do we end- what is "the next level?".
I am unable to make sense of this phrase, yet people are saying it all the time. It seems to be a common phrase in the world of reality dating shows. In this context I am guessing the next level is some form of sexual interaction. It's hard to tell as the participants in these shows are frequently profoundly limited - I'm relatively confident they don't even know what they are saying. Words with no meaning assigned.
It occurs to me there are these phrases that get adopted by the masses -"the next level" is my current most hated phrase.
I also detest the following:
"Its all good"- no its fucking not.
"My bad"- your bad what? - behavior- decision-breath?
"Tru DAT"- the white boys I live with say this ALL THE TIME- what is DAT?- think about it- even it you say it correctly it is a really stupid thing to say- True THAT-is everyone a moron?
I know, its the "hip hop" culture. Really? Culture?
Being an interpreter, Gioconda is very precise in what she says- and I will be honest many times it drives me ape shit - yet she says these phrases don't bother her if it is said by a kid. Yet I think everyone at every age sounds absurd uttering this crap.
I know- I know - peeps are just keeping it real....
First of all what level do we begin with. I mean, one person's next level may be a 4, and another persons next level may be a 15. Where do we start? Where do we end- what is "the next level?".
I am unable to make sense of this phrase, yet people are saying it all the time. It seems to be a common phrase in the world of reality dating shows. In this context I am guessing the next level is some form of sexual interaction. It's hard to tell as the participants in these shows are frequently profoundly limited - I'm relatively confident they don't even know what they are saying. Words with no meaning assigned.
It occurs to me there are these phrases that get adopted by the masses -"the next level" is my current most hated phrase.
I also detest the following:
"Its all good"- no its fucking not.
"My bad"- your bad what? - behavior- decision-breath?
"Tru DAT"- the white boys I live with say this ALL THE TIME- what is DAT?- think about it- even it you say it correctly it is a really stupid thing to say- True THAT-is everyone a moron?
I know, its the "hip hop" culture. Really? Culture?
Being an interpreter, Gioconda is very precise in what she says- and I will be honest many times it drives me ape shit - yet she says these phrases don't bother her if it is said by a kid. Yet I think everyone at every age sounds absurd uttering this crap.
I know- I know - peeps are just keeping it real....
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