The Truth About Naked

Last night I had a dream I wore a sports bra and shorts to a deposition. Certainly improper attire for such an event.

When I was a kid I used to have dreams of showing up at school naked. Last nights dream must have been the adult equivalent to my childhood nude school dreams. Clearly it has something to do with feelings of vulnerability as I really don't like to be without clothes so I am relatively confident it has nothing to do with an unexplored perversion.

Unfortunately at this juncture in my life all my perversions have already been explored.

I prefer to be fully clothed, in fact I make an concerted effort to spend as little time possible without clothes. I have it down to about 13 minutes a day, which is the approximate time it takes me to shower each morning. I used to take a shower at night, but found it was too much time for me to be naked, so unless I am exceptionally dirty I will forgo the bedtime shower.

I think I was more tolerant of my own nudity as a teen and young adult, but around 35 I began to consider showering with my underwear on in order to cut down on the hours per week I spent fully naked.

Its not about body issues, I have the opposite of anorexia. A few years back I went to a friend's wedding in Kaui. It wasn't until I saw the photographs- me with my white belly hanging ever so slightly over my shorts and cut off shirt- me with back fat under my sports bras hoisting up yet another Miller Genuine Draft beer- me with three chins- that I realized I was fat.

"Why didn't you tell me I was obese," I asked my friend Ann.

She shrugged, " We were all having such a good time I didn't want to bring it up."

Although I did loose a few pound after that trip I remain a little tubby, but I don't really care. I have a friend who works out every single day, watches everything she eats and rarely drinks beer. Although she looks good, she doesn't look good enough to me to go to such lengths- cost benefit analysis- I'll stick with my red burritos and regular cokes thank you.

Sometimes I worry I will end up with a some sort of skin disease which renders me unable to wear clothes, something requiring me to be naked more than 90 minutes a week.

"You could always wear a toga," Gioconda suggested. She's right, and toga's are slimming.