Hormonal Raging

Today I am feeling better, specifically, better in the sense I don't feel homicidal.

I didn't want to murder anyone in particular, I just felt a bit, well, unstable.

"I wish I could have had this personality yesterday," I told Gioconda this morning.

We had a graduation lunch for her nephew yesterday, and with so many knives around I found it best for everyone's safety for me to spend the lions share of the afternoon reading the New York Times in our bedroom.

In truth I was in such a mood any interaction I would have with anyone would have ended badly, fearful this interaction could be with my in-laws, I avoided people as much as possible.

In spite of this attempt, there was conflict over a door knob-yes a door knob- earlier in the afternoon which caused my mood to further plummet. Yet this morning I woke up fine.

Since I have recollection of the entire day, I can't blame it on schizophrenia, which although a troubling diagnosis would at least be an explanation.

At 46 the reality is that I think it's hormonal.

Yet, since I come from a long line of petty and disgruntled people, its hard for me to assess the basis of my extreme moodiness.

Is my baseless temporary fury at basically everyone a result of the amount of estrogen in my body, or in my DNA?

My hope is that if it is in my DNA I will be able to medicate myself to an extent I can overcome my genetic predisposition, and I guess at that point causative factors will not really matter.

Because there are certain times I feel especially crazy, I like to think this it is something hormonal, something I can't really control.

What I find shocking...why there are not more murders committed by women in their late 40's.