The good thing about feeling bad

I've dated a few chubby girls. Guilty confession, during a few heated arguments I thought to myself, shut up Porky, yet I never actually said it.

Here's the thing, never - ever tell a woman she looks fat, even if you really hate her. Weight has been a major issue in the lives of most of the woman I've dated. I might think it- yet would never, and at this point I do mean never, say it.

I seems too mean.

For whatever reason being chubby doesn't bother me, and I don't really care if someone calls me fat, yet what I lack in sensitivity about my weight I make up for in my sensitively about my clothes.

Gioconda does this thing, typically in the morning if she sees me before I leave, she raises her eyebrows, moves her head to the right to look at me from the side, takes a deep disapproving breath, and smiles without showing her teeth.

She gives me the "look" and I know but I always say, "what?"

"Are you leaving in that?"

Today it was my shirt. My criteria for clothes these days is, fits, no obvious staining or holes, and clean.

I worked in my office all day so I really didn't care. Things have been sort of difficult in every way for me lately, so in light of the rest of my problems her assessment of my wardrobe didn't even blip my radar.

Don't get me wrong, when I'm going to court it really works my head.

I have accidentally gained back all the weight I accidentally lost so now the pants that were swimming on me last year, are sausage casing this year. The up side, no one asks me if I have cancer.

Most days I look in the mirror and think I look like Chaz Bono which is not the look I'm going for ever...so I begin the day with a significant degree of insecurity about my appearance.

The one good thing about feeling really shitty is once you are at a certain level nothing piled on matters.

Today getting the "look" was water off my back.

It's a hard thing for me, finding clothes I am both comfortable and confident.

I have often thought I should have chosen a vocation with a uniform. Not like the Hot Dog on a Stick uniform, something cool- like a UPS driver, a golfer or surgeon.

My vocation would work for me if I lived in England, the barristers wear black robes, and those funny wigs.

What I want to wear, and what I have to wear are in direct conflict with each other, so its something Im sensitive about.

Yet today it just didn't matter...the one good thing about feeling really bad, you can only go as low as the floor.