Coming and Leaving

Both of the babies are now home, and we are now adjusting to this new life.

One week to the day of their coming our friend Ray left.

It was Tuesday morning I found out he was gone.  I was up early, upset about Camille still in the NICU, wanting her to come home, questioning the care she was being given.  I had cried about it the night before, feeling as though I hadn't done enough for her, and not knowing what enough meant.

It was cold and dark in the house, I had let the dogs out, and as I walked up the stairs I heard Gioconda crying.

My thought was she was upset about Camille still in the hospital, and the pit in my gut went to my throat.

"Ray died last night," she said.

And even though I knew he was really sick, it buckled my knees, because in my heart I never thought his death was even possible.

I lived through AIDS in my community in the late 80's and 90's and when I have known people who were ill and died, I took comfort in the fact they were no longer suffering, but with Ray,  I simply can't feel that way, because he should never have been sick in the first place, and that isn't to say any of the other people I knew should have been sick...

I just can't get my head around Ray dying.   Somehow its different.

Camille was released on Thursday, she is now with us- thriving.

Tonight with the week behind me, I am unequivocally thankful.

I am thankful for this family, for their health and well being.  I am thankful we are here together, with all our flaws and strengths.

I am thankful for Ray- thankful I knew him.  

Thankful for the angel my daughters now have on their shoulders...

And tonight my prayers will be with those who will now negotiate an existence without Ray in it...adjusting to this new life.