Sleeping Beauty

A few weeks back the girls and I were talking about princesses.  Its not a subject I particularly enjoy, yet I find its as interesting as anything else we discuss- which cartoons we hate on the Disney Channel- I hate Chuggington,   what we are going to be for Halloween- which amazingly is a year round subject- or naming animals at the zoo- Panda- they always forget Panda.

Talking about princesses is actually naming the princesses- which is the typical course most of our conversations go.  I named Sleeping Beauty and Sadie said, " Sleeping Beauty is not a princess, sleeping beauty is what she is, her name is Aurora."

She's correct.  There is something sobering about being schooled by a 4 1/2 year old on proper use of the english language.

The other day Camille came to me crying.

"Sadie bitted me."

"I didn't bitted you, I bit you!", she replied.

Again dead on.  Had Camille used the proper verb I may have given Sadie a time out- yet since she screwed up the syntax I let the offense slide.

Among the myriad of complaints my ex wife has about me is my lack of a parenting "strategy".

Granted there are those moments I find myself trying to persuade the girls to "just eat one more Mc Nugget", when I realize I am trying to "talk them into" eating a breaded deep fat fried "chicken" piece smothered in ranch dressing - not kale - and it does occur to me I could, perhaps,  do better.

And then those "teaching opportunities" happen to save me.   Sure it hurt it be bitted, but if she wanted her  sister to suffer a consequence get the english right for gods sake- and PLEASE finish your Oreo cookie milk shake there is still plenty of whipped cream on the top...

Bakersfield

Yesterday I had to go to the Workers Compensation Appeals Board in Bakersfield.  My job dictates  I go to many Workers Compensation Appeals Boards in the Southern California area as I am - sadly - a Workers Compensation defense attorney.

I say sadly- as this is not a area of law I ever imagined myself- yet through a series of mitigating circumstances- being a student loan debt of 85k and no job- I did what every self possessed individual in my situation would do- I took the first opportunity presented- and this was it.

Whatever.  I get to work during the day, in doors for the most part. I don't have to wear a polyester blend uniform, a hair net or hat,  and I am not required to do long division- which I have always found to be difficult, I don't have to read music or wear rubber boots.

 I am enormously thankful every single day that no one will  loose a personal freedom related to my "practice" of law.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my job and actually like it, and although it does make me wince when I really consider my "vocation" as it were, in the end - it is the best fit for me as I really don't enjoy conflict - which does make me question the initial career choice as it is an adversary system.

So I am in Bakersfield and I have a judge who closely resembles Brian Doyal Murry- Bill Murry's less famous less talented brother.

Since describing the issue I was involved would cause the reader to become narcoleptic and this could be potentially dangerous for those of you reading this near a pointed edge I will refrain from explaining - lets just say it is auxiliary to the case which has actually been resolved.

In other words- its stupid.

I'm thinking in and out - easy breezy.  Not so much- as Brian Doyal saw the whole matter very differently.

I knew I was in trouble when one of the two computer screens on the bench - ie desk he is sitting at - has a desk top  photo of him in a Union civil war uniform.  Personally I find the entire concept of reenacting a war to be beyond creepy as - aren't we all in agreement it wasn't a great idea the first time around?  Granted he is on the right side- but still 750,000 americans died fighting each other over slavery-I'm just thinking maybe this isn't something to dwell...

Upon review of our paperwork he threw the first pitch and being the out of towner I was the first batter.

 Question : "What does Labor Code Section 5624 subsection c say?"
Answer: " I have no idea."
Question; " You don't know the Labor Code?"
Answer: " No, actually I don't."

A swing and a miss.

If there was a Workers Compensation jail,  I would have been sent.

Guilty confession, I don't know my phone number, of course I don't know the Labor Code.

Objectively, there is no possible way with everything I have jammed in my head- I am trying to keep 5 year old twins ALIVE- - don't let them play with venomous snakes, keep them off the train tracks at night, if smoking in the room they are in open a window- the list in really endless...

It was at this point I decided to stop talking.  This is my go to - when all else fails go mute.

Frequently, I find being completely silent be the best strategy as people will find a need to fill the space, because the truth is - he didn't really want to hear what I had to say- he wanted to hear himself ask the questions.

Question: " So you don't know the Labor Code section I am referring?"
Answer:
Answer:
Answer:
Answer:
Answer:
Question: "Ok, moving on..."

Its actually crazy how it ALWAYS works.

He was merely ego tripping - in that way a civil war reenactor,  Bakersfield workers compensation judge -Brain Doyal Murry look a alike- is tempted to do on a Tuesday afternoon- just because he can...and honestly who can blame him?