Klutz IV

The females on the maternal side of my family have issues with balance.

Last year my 80 year old great aunt fell on her face and knocked out a front tooth, the ironic part, she was walking into the dentist office.

Sure my aunt is elderly , but the harsh reality is age is simply not a factor, my mother has been falling since her early 30's.

Its been suggested there is some issue with the inner ear, or the center of balance, or in my mothers case a failure to wear appropriate footwear.

My personal policy in terms of shoes is relatively strict. I own nothing with a heel or pointed toe. I have one pair of sandles, which is really an insult to sandels as they basically cover my enter foot, I wear these only when the tempature is well over 100.

So it terms of good traction I have that covered. Yet I share my mother's DNA and thus I too have had my share of ankle and foot related mishaps. As a result I have broken every toe on both feet except for my big toes.  Yet my self inflicted injuries are not just limited to the lower extremities.

Admittedly I fall, yet my main issue is I tend to slam my feet into both living and inadimate objects, thus I avoid being barefooted.  Recently I fractured my little toe at my office while I was walking around barefoot, which certainly did not comply with  the dress code.  I slammed it right into the side of a credenza.  I didn't report the injury, although it hurt me for a good four months.

Stupid is not a legal defense to a comp injury, nor is clumsy, yet in spite of this knowledge I felt it best to suffer in silence.

A few days ago while walking across the grass I watched Camille literally fall over her own feet, and this was not the first time.  At 3 1/2 her ambulatory skills are reasonably good, thus, although no biological relation to me it appears as though my daughter is a 4th generation klutz.

I was bothered by it when I began to contemplate the fact she would endure of lifetime of constant bruises just above the elbow, as I have,  as a result of being struck in the back of the arm by a door or gate.  Yet on further reflection, perhaps of all my glaring flaws and inadequacies this particular foible may be the least of all evils.

Still the other day I hit myself in the nose with the dryer door (don't ask me I struggle to understand how THAT happened) and it hurt so bad I couldn't talk for five minutes.

Camille cries when her sister tells her she's a boy, so her true threshold for pain is yet to be determined. I haven't told her about the legacy, I'm not sure she would understand.

On the other hand Sadie is completely clued in.

"Camille falls like Mommy," she said a few weeks back.  At the time I was still recovering from a nasty slip and fall incident which happened on the front porch steps after I had hosed down the area.

For now Camille continues to live with the hope she will outgrow her inability to walk on an uneven surface, yet I know to that which she is heir.

Retirement Sheshtirement

At some point I have to stop using the lottery as my retirement plan. I know you can't win if you don't play, yet I think if you do play or if you don't play you still have the same statistical chance of winning- however, I keep playing as when I do win-and I have the probability if getting hit by lightening TWICE in the same day as winning- I will at that moment be retired. Honestly, this is my only real chance of actually reaching retirement.

When I first began my carreer there was an old woman attorney I saw almost every morning crossing the street by the court house, pulling her cart of files in her sensiable shoes, and it was then I decided I would never be that old woman attorney- pulling my two wheeled cart so as to not injure my fragile spine.

Bottom line-I'm not only going to be that old woman attorney I am about 5 minutes from it. I have the cart- sensiable shoes - I'm getting the gray hair, slumped posture- granted I have not incorporated polester into my wardrobe as of yet- however, I do anticipate a day in which an elastic wastband will be needed.

In any event, I took a major hit in everything I thought had monetary value in my life, worthless properties - a 100k- I lost in the market. I'm driving a car that was great 6 years ago when I leased it- now I'm one of those people driving a really great old car- meaning - about 6 years ago I had money and today- not so much.

Granted I've had my share of money sucks. The only good part of all of this is there is no real arguement about assets in my pending divorce which I have yet to totally deal with. I had hoped Rick Santorum would become President and make all "gay" marriages illegal so I wouldn't have to bother.

I know - essentially wishing for the complete demise of American democracy for a short cut to divorce is relatively selfish- that coupled with the fact I am relatively President Rick wouldn't stop at making Gay marriage illegal- I'm thinking actually "being" Gay could become a felony- so I might be looking at prison time- still....I haven't completely given up on the idea.

Besides, prison might not be all that bad- an opportunity to catch up on reading, work out every day, and possibly learn automotive repair. Given the condition of my life at this point -it may actually be an improvement.

Last week a young attorney in my office told me she her and her boyfriend were celebrating their one year anniversary.

Although I thought better of it I couldn't resist putting my two cents in.

" Are his parents dead?", I asked.

"He''s the youngest, they are elderly," she replied.

"Well, wait until they are dead if you have to get married. Its tough enough dealing with another person, if you can elimate in laws you are that much better off."